


Never letting go of him, never again

by ana711lidia



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: First Kiss, Fluff and Angst, Forgiveness, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-20
Updated: 2019-11-22
Packaged: 2021-02-16 04:53:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,185
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21502189
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ana711lidia/pseuds/ana711lidia
Summary: It’s been a month since the tsunami, Eddie and Buck haven't been talking since the lawsuit, Chris keeps asking about “his Buck” and Buck ends up at Eddie's door at 2 am leading to a heartfelt talk.Prompts: “I know it’s like 2 in the morning but come outside” and “Can I sleep here tonight? With you?” ; (I thought those two went together nicely and combined them).(Chapter 2: Eddie shows up at the firehouse with Buck, intending to make amends with his family unfolding a much-needed talk with Bobby, Hen, and Chim.)
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz
Comments: 18
Kudos: 252





	1. Chapter 1

"Eddie couldn’t quite believe that a whole month had passed by after the tragedy of the tsunami hit LA and his precious son had been in danger. Even though his son was quiet and asleep after movie night in complete innocence and disregard of the date, he couldn’t stop his mind from wandering back to that day... to Buck. And that was making him progressively angry, since the lawsuit they weren’t on speaking terms and Christopher asked about “his Buck” almost every day, and it broke his heart to see the disappointment in the child’s face every time he answered the same. But that night the conversation took an unexpected turn.

-"I’m sorry kiddo, Buck just needs time to figure some things out. I’m sure you two will be hanging out in no time."- He hoped he sounded more reassuring than he felt.

-"Some time from us? Are you two mad, daddy?"- Chris's intelligence never stopped surprising him.

\- "Do you know how you always say you wanna be a firefighter when you grow up?"

\- "Or a pirate."

Eddie couldn't hide his fond smile before answering- "Yes, or a pirate. Well, Buckie doesn’t know what to do without his job, he loves being a firefighter more than anything."

Chris looked down at his hands- "More than he loves us?"

Eddie has expecting to hear a lot of things from his son’s mouth but surely not that, he decided to ignore the heavy "us" still in the air- "I don’t think we could love anything more than we love you."

He smiled before holding Chris near his chest tightly hoping the conversation had come to an end.

-"Just give him some time daddy, I’m sure he’ll come back to you"- the little boy smiled softly before snuggling against his dad on the couch leaving him speechless.

...................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

It was already late, and when the movie credits started to roll Eddie realized he hadn’t paid a single minute of attention, instead he couldn't stop thinking that maybe he had been a little harsh on Buck. After all, he had gone to the exact trauma his son went through, and Chris still woke up with nightmares and fear. He would forever be grateful to his best friend for keeping his son safe just like he trusted him to do, "there’s nobody in this world who I trust with my son more than you". Before it all went down, he had spoken those words while touching Buck’s pulse point with his finger, staring at his teary eyes with his own feelings on fire. And for a second he could almost imagine a future with him, their relationship was evolving into something more and the day he almost lost him made him realize, it felt like losing Shannon all over again. He just knew, like a crushing wave, that those feelings went way deeper than any friendship.

Before he got too lost in his thoughts he remembered to put Chris in his bed, putting his glasses down on the nightstand and landing a goodnight kiss on the boy’s forehead. He decided to go to bed himself after changing into his LAFD t-shirt and sweat pants. And for a second, his fingers searched for Buck's number in his cell like they had a mind of their own, he stood like that before deciding it was too late for an honest conversation. His body spent the next hours turning over in bed, making his sheets a mess until the buzzing next to his pillow woke him up.

Eddie could feel a cold breeze in his body and noticed it has half uncovered before realizing that wasn't what woke him up. He picked up his phone, confused, thinking it has an alarm for a night shift until he noticed the text on his screen. As soon as he read Buck’s name the adrenaline kicked in his whole body, fully awakening him allowing to properly read the words in front of him:

"I know it's like 2 in the morning, but come outside"

He got up and rushed to the door, trying to be quiet. His heart was racing, due to the late hour and the recent state of their relationship, he was expecting to see Buck injured or something like that. When he finally reached and open the door with an abrupt gest, what he saw left him almost as shaken up, Buck was standing there with tears in his eyes and his knuckles in the air like he was about to knock. From up close Eddie could see the blood in his bruised knuckles, surprising both of them he just took Buck’s hand and after examining the wound, he pulled him in for a hug.

-"Eddie, I’m sorry, for showing up here late at night, for the lawsuit, for letting anything come between us and for almost losing your son. I’m so sorry for everything, you two are my family and I’ve let you down."

For a few minutes, Eddie felt Buck’s body shaking in his arms while his tears rolled on his shoulder. All he could do was tighten the grip and pull him inside before finally speaking his mind:

-"Hey, you can show at my door at any time, because we really are family and we promised to have each other back’s on the very first day we met. And I’m sorry too for not remembering that these past few weeks, I’ve been nothing but a stubborn idiot and a shitty friend to you."

At those words, Buck raised his head to look him in the eyes and said in a shaky voice- "I really thought I could survive this day as it has just a regular day, I’ve been having these nightmares, so I thought that today wouldn’t be any different. But I couldn't stop seeing Chris letting go of my hand in the water every time I closed my eyes, I just had to come here to know he was safe. And to feel safe myself, with you."

His limbs were suddenly heavy, he looked at Buck and found so much affection and sadness in his eyes- "Buck, we both messed up, but the only thing you can't be sorry for, it's what happened a month ago. You saved my son, and he knows it, he looks up to you and loves you so much that he asks about you every day."

His hand placed Buck’s hand above his own heart, his eyes were filled with nothing but love as he said the next words- "And I love you too Evan."- He felt the shiver that went through his body, letting out a breath he didn't know he was holding.

-"Now come with me, let me fix your hand"- His soft smile couldn’t hide the concerned look as he guided Buck to the kitchen, never letting go of him. Never again, his mind added.

While Buck sat down on a stool at the kitchen counter, he quickly grabbed the first aid kit and sat down himself, as close as he could be.

-"Do you wanna tell me how this happened?"

Buck looked down at the blood coming from his hand, being gently cleaned up by Eddie- "I just... I didn’t want to sleep so I went for a walk, all I could do was walk, and walk, and walk. At some point, I was at the pier. What's left of it, and I felt so angry, I punched a fricking wall. The memorial wall, the one filled with flowers and names."

He started crying again trying to find the words- "All I saw was their bodies, floating in the water... All those people I couldn’t save, and all the people I’m not saving without my job. I didn’t know where to go, and before I could stop myself, I was at your door, texting you."

-"Buck, you weren't a firefighter that day either, all those people you did save, it was just you. And I’m glad you came here, I know things are messy with the lawsuit, but I don’t want you to ever feel like you don’t have a place or someone to go to. We’ll figure this out in the morning, together."

Buck’s hand was already patched up, but Eddie didn’t let go- "Can I sleep here tonight? With you?". He was looking down like he was afraid to be disappointed, afraid to hear a no. But he didn't have to look up, Eddie just took his hand and walked back to his room making his way to the bed.

They were lying facing each other, and after Eddie closed his eyes, holding on to Buck’s body, the last thing he heard has a quiet “I love you to Eddie”.

That's how Christopher found them in the morning, profound asleep while holding on to each other. A bright wide smile took over his face as he rushed over to his dad's side of the bed, softly shaking their arms- "Daddy? Buck?". He saw amused how they both started to wake up, looking surprised at their surroundings and at the body they were so desperately holding on to. Eddie was the first to let go, only to open his arms to his son welcoming him in the bed.  
Buck still seemed like a toned-down version of his usual excited self but as soon as he laid eyes on Chris he couldn't keep his mouth from breaking out a smile- "Kiddo! Come here, I've missed you!" 

-"I've missed you too Buckie! I told Dad you would come back to him, and you did..."-Both his arms were already around Buck's neck while the man looked at Eddie with a confused expression looking for an answer and receiving only a shrug and a smile. 

-"I guess we both came back to each other"- Eddie locked eyes with Buck before getting up and aiming for the kitchen. Behind him, Buck followed along with Christopher on his shoulders looking radiant. As soon as they arrived he sat Christopher on the counter and stopped Eddie- "How about you just let me and Chris make breakfast?"  
Eddie just looked between the two of them with doubt in his eyes, in front of him they both looked so innocent and pure and before he could answer Buck was already guiding him out of the way while smiling at his son- "Let's make some scrambled eggs?".  
The boy nodded enthusiastically and told his dad to sit down. So he did, watching the kitchen turn into a turmoil filled with delicious smells and the sweet sound of laughter, he felt his heart bursting with love. 

The rest of the mourning went by peacefully, his son was over the moon with joy after a whole marathon of movies with Buck. In the middle of the afternoon he could feel what was coming ahead, he knew he had a shift later and didn't want to burst his happiness bubble, but they did need to talk so at the first opportunity without Christopher he leaned over at Buck and after muting the TV glanced at him.

-"Buck? I have a shift at the firehouse in 2 hours."

-"I could... maybe I could watch over Christopher? If you want me to, of course"- He almost looked afraid, like he had never done that before, which has ridiculous but his nervousness looked quite adorable and almost made Eddie forget what he was trying to say.

-"Sure, he will love to spend time with you. But that's not where I was going with this... We haven't talked about the lawsuit yet and I know you haven't been speaking with the rest of the guys but I'm not sure how to do this. I mean, do I have to keep it a secret? What's going to happen?"

Buck couldn't look him in the eyes so he started to play with his hands on his lap- "The city offered me a lot of money you know? But that's not what I am looking for, all I want is my job and my family back. I turned it down and my lawyer thinks I'm crazy, "even if you win do you think they'll take you back?", that's what he keeps saying every step of the process. I used to think he didn't know you guys and couldn't be more wrong but after that day... the stuff he used against all of you... maybe he's right you know? Maybe I'll get my job back, but not my family, I don't deserve them or you anyway."- His eyes were shiny again, trying to fight back tears. 

Eddie took Buck's hands on his own to stop their nervous movements- "Buck, I know they all seem mad right now, but believe me, when I say, they all love you and in their own time, they will welcome you back and forgive you. They just need to understand where your actions are coming from, your desperate will to go back to your home, to them. It took me a while, and you're right, what that lawyer said really hurt me, but not talking to you or having you in my life hurt way more. Just talk to them."

-"My lawyer said I'm not allowed to talk to any of you during the lawsuit, what if I just make things worse for everyone?"- He was finally looking up at him, with a devasted expression, filled with guilt. 

-"Well, that lawyer doesn't really know any of us, or you for that matter if he thinks anything would keep us apart for too long. I'm sure this will come to an end soon Evan. Maybe I could call Carla to watch over Christopher so you can come with me to the station?" 

-"Do you think they'll even hear me out? I wouldn't blame them from moving on."

At this point, Eddie just took Buck's face with his hands- "I know they'll hear you because you just don't move on from someone you love. I know I didn't". Before Buck could even answer or fall deeper into the spiral going on in his head, Eddie moved closer and pressed his lips in Buck's, first a soft reassurance, "do you trust me", then fiercely with desire, "do you need me". When they finally pulled apart, breathless, Eddie spoke first finally letting that thought out- "I'm not letting you go, never again".


	2. All I know how to do

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eddie shows up at the firehouse with Buck, intending to make amends with his family unfolding a much-needed talk with Bobby, Hen, and Chim.

Eddie parked at his usual spot outside the station and looked over at Buck before turning down the engining but it was useless, the man sitting next to him resembled a child, scared to look outside the window at the firehouse. Before that moment he didn't even stop to think when was the last time Buck entered those doors, and how being back would affect him, he felt like an idiot for pushing him out of his comfort.

-"Buck, don't beat yourself up, we'll work this out. I gave Hen a heads up, they're all eating upstairs, she said Cap is in a good mood, Athena stopped be and I guess she has been trying to smooth things out. If at any time you wanna leave, we can do that too."  
Eddie's first instinct was seeking and grabbing Buck's hand, and he was glad for finally being able to follow through with his instincts and desires.

-"So, Hen is not mad at me? How could she forgive me just like that?"- His voice was breaking a little, Hen and he had such a special bond and it hurt seeing them apart. 

-"Well, I don't think she could stay mad at you, she loves you too much. They all miss you, but forgiveness isn't something you aks for, it's something you earn, just like their trust. They still feel a bit hurt by all those personal things you trusted your lawyer with, just show them you're here for them, tell them how this job means so much to you that you didn't see any other exit."

-"I don't think I could do this without you, a reality without my job doesn't seem as scary or crushing if I have your support. It means a lot to me, thank you, Eddie."  
He squeezed Eddie's hand before finally looking up at him with a loving smile and getting out of the car.   
He looked suddenly prepared, rushing over to the station like his limbs had been hit by a silent rush of adrenaline but Eddie could see through that, he has still as nervous and worried as before. And just like he expected, Buck stopped before walking in, like an invisible wall kept him from moving forward. 

-"Buck, just look at me"-and so he did- "You got this, I will be there the whole time, do you trust me?"- he nodded in response, to scared to even find his voice and before he could regret it, walked inside with Eddie by his side.   
The sounds hit him all at once, he forgot how much he missed the familiarity and routine in that place, but what stroke him the most was the sound of laughter coming from upstairs where the team was eating. All seemed fine without him, he couldn't help thinking.   
Before we could turn around and leave, Eddie guided him to the stairs, walking in front of him, like a shield protecting Buck from whatever first impressions and nasty comments anyone could throw at him.   
The table was filled with silence for a second, when they all smiled and greeted Eddie, inviting him to join them, before realizing his hand was intertwined with someone standing shortly behind. He could pinpoint the exact moment the air was filled with tension and the abrupt silence made Bobby, who was sitting at the top of the table, turn in his seat facing first Eddie with confusion and then looking behind his shoulder to Buck with surprise and something else he couldn't quite tell.

-"Eddie, do you wanna tell me what's this about? You know I can't be speaking with him, he's suing this station and me." - His voice didn't sound aggressive, it was sad as if each word was hard to pronounce.

-"Bobby, he just turned down an offer made by the city, the lawsuit should be over soon. I think we should all hear him out." 

Buck stepped in front of Eddie, still looking a bit lost before speaking, his eyes were on the floor but after Eddie gave him a little push they went up in Bobby's direction.-"I just came to apologize, that's all. I've never meant to hurt anyone, I just needed to get back at my job, with all of you." 

Eddie saw as Cap got up and moved close to Buck and instinctively took the space at his side just before the man spoke with a harsh expression-"What exactly did you think it was going to happen? All would be fine and forgiven if you just won?".

-"I wasn't thinking that far, I was so lost after the tsunami and after months of physical therapy, all I wanted and needed to was getting back to my job. It's all I know how to do."- Buck was still lost in his identity beyond a firefighter like his value depended on that job and that wouldn't go away easily. 

-"And don't you think all I've ever wanted was for you to get your job back? I was there for you at every step of the way towards recovery, every surgery, all the small steps of progress, the setbacks and physical therapy, your LAFD recertification... And I was more than happy to have you back, but you weren't ready, Buck you went rushing to the hospital before you were even officially back. Don't you think it scares those who love you seeing you in the hospital time after time? I know you have been through a lot, but so have we, right next to you."

Eddie could feel his own expression and fingers becoming tense even though the mood was getting softer. His body could feel exactly what Cap said, he remembered quite well the blind despair that hit that day as soon as Buck's unconscious body hit the floor, once again he felt powerless watching the man he loved suffering. And he couldn't quite describe the whirlwind of emotions that overwhelmed his core and took over his mind the day of the tsunami when Buck went through hell trying to survive and above all, protect Christopher, willing to put every shred of strength into helping others first, never himself. He shook his head, realizing what Bobby had felt, he looked over and protected Buck like a son and he had been taking hit after hit, not thinking before putting his life at risk again. 

-"Bobby I'm always going to be grateful for your help, but after all you went through by my side, I just couldn't believe you were the one holding me back. I was so angry every time I thought of that word, liability, how could I've become that after all, I did to come back? We have each other's backs, and once again I couldn't do that for you guys."- He said the last few words more quietly and looking behind Bobby's shoulder to the rest of the team, filled with remorse.

-"Evan, I wasn't worried you could be a liability to the team, I was worried you would be a risk to yourself.- At this point both Hen and Chim got up and stood close behind Cap, patiently waiting to make amends. 

-"I realized I've been reckless without thinking about the team and risked myself or pushed too hard, but it has always been about being at your side. I don't know the outcome of the lawsuit yet, but I can't stand being on opposite sides."- He was now fully facing all of them without hesitating, his voice sounded less shaky.

-"Buck, you may be hot-headed and reckless sometimes but we know your intentions are pure. When the lawsuit is over, we'll all be here to deal with whatever happens, as a family."- Bobby's hand flew over at Buck's shoulder bringing him close into a hug, not as easily as usual but it was a start, at that moment he let go of Eddie's hand making him realize it had been right there the entire conversation.

After pulling apart, Buck shook his head while a smile took over his face, he looked expectantly at Chim and Hen who had not yet spoken, and Eddie hoped they would understand Buck the same way.

Before he could speak or get too worried Chim stepped up with a soft smile In Buck's direction- "I know how it feels being injured and spending time away from this job, I understand why you were so desperate to come back. I think we're all surprised by your lawyer bringing up our personal stuff, we trusted you and that's going to take some time to grow back between us, but we're all willing to give it time."

He seemed to relax until he looked at Hen and called her, a bit unsure -"Hen?".

-"Buck, I couldn't stay mad at you even if you deserved it, I love you too much and I've missed you". She pulled him in for a hug and gave Eddie a knowing look he couldn't quite decipher until she finally asked- "What about you two? When did you came to your senses and realized you can't live without each other? Because depending on the answer, I might even win myself and Karen a dinner."- Behind her, Bobby and Chim chuckled understanding what she meant, on the other hand, all Buck and Eddie could do was look at each other and blush before remembering everyone was still expecting an answer. 

Buck still looked a bit emotional after the events so Eddie took the initiative and answered- "He came to my house yesterday in the middle of the night and we worked through some stuff today."

-"So a month after the tsunami? You romantic jerk Chim!" -She and Bobby rolled their eyes and dug for their wallets while Chim started to laugh. 

-"I told you guys they would need each other that day, there was no way this idiot could stay mad at this puppy on that day. Hey, Buck why don't you join us for food? You're almost disappearing without Bobby's cooking"

They all turned back to table making their way to their seats and before Buck could happily join them, he looked back at Eddie and took his hand, laid a gentle kiss in his lips and whispered- "Thank you for making me do this and for being here." 

An hour passed before they had to leave rushing to a call, and before he left, Eddie made sure he kissed Buck trying to comfort him in that painful scenario, his team leaving the station without him- "Why don't you relieve Carla and go wait for me at home? We'll pick this up later."

Buck nodded and smiled at Eddie before answering- "To be continued".

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for your feedback, I always appreciate it. This conversation was running in my mind so I decided to do a chapter 2. Let me know what you think :)

**Author's Note:**

> All feedback is appreciated! Just keep in mind that this is my first work and English is my second language, there's always room for improvement :)


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